Breastfeeding Archives - PANDAS Foundation UK

My Story – by Sarah the Doula

I feel very privileged to be a doula. The things I have learnt and seen have helped me understand my postnatal depression. Emotionally I have grown, and slowly I have put puzzle pieces together to gain a bigger picture of what happened to me and why I haven’t bonded with my son.

When I gave birth I was induced because I was overdue. The labour was traumatic and very intense, I was left alone for hours and I remember thinking that if someone gave me a gun I would have shot myself. After guided pushing I birthed the 10lb 8oz baby and I was left incontinent. My husband at the time couldn’t find it in himself to support me and refused to take paternity leave and so I spiralled down, sinking deeply into a hole with a baby I couldn’t bear to look at or touch. I became reclusive, I lost the ability to speak properly and my confidence (of which there was a lot of) had disappeared. Thank god for my mother. She visited me daily for weeks and weeks which gave me less time to think about suicide. She helped me manage life with a young nursling, chaperoning me through Tescos, teaching me how to prepare dinner whilst entertaining a baby, and making me tea whilst I fed her grandson, often with tears streaming down my face. She was besotted with her first grandchild and luckily she had enough love for the both of us. Read More

When Reality Doesn’t Match Dreams – My Post Natal Depression Story

My name is Nikki. My children are now 9 and 6 but I remember so clearly my less than romantic introduction to motherhood I had.

We had been trying for a baby for 18 months before we had some tests done. I know many people who try for years buy 18 months seemed like a lifetime when I was so desperate to conceive. I remember going in to town one day and seeing a very young girl hanging out with her mates smoking and drinking whilst heavily pregnant. I came home balling my eyes out on more than one occasion. Every month hoping for a positive pregnancy test.

On Christmas eve 2005 my husband proposed and I threw myself in to arranging the wedding to take my mind off wanting a baby so much.  I have POCO’s and my husband had been crushed 13 foot underground just months before we met and suffered severe damage in his hips and pelvis. We knew the chances of conception were going to be less. It came back that we my husband had less than 17% live sperm and 10% of those were deformed. We decided we didn’t want to try IVF but that if nothing happen we would adopt in the future. Read More


Whenever the topic of having a third child comes up, whether it’s during a fleeting, “wouldn’t it be nice if…?” moment, or in response to a well-meaning friend asking if we’re going to be trying for a daughter to ‘complete’ our family, my husband’s response is always the same; “I couldn’t go through that again!” While those in our company will, more often than not, react with nervous laughter and shocked looks, the truth is that I can see behind his cheeky smile, and I know he’s only half joking. You see, my husband is hurting just as much as I have been, and still am; postnatal depression hasn’t just haunted me, but our whole family. When I briefly think how wonderful it would be to add another child to our family, or how much I miss being pregnant, the anxiety and depression that I felt while I was expecting both of our little boys, and the feelings of dread that I still get now, are enough to remind me that I’d only be trying to ‘get it right this time’, and that’s not fair on anyone. Read More

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