PNDAW18 Blog Series - Sara Shields - PANDAS Foundation UK

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“There is hope, its all around you. You just can’t see it yet. Give yourself time and don’t give up”
Sara Shields talks about her experience of PND following the birth of her child over 3 years ago

My darkest days following Arthur’s birth felt hopeless. Days and nights blurred into one and when I wasn’t feeling exhausted, I was numb. Going through the motions of parenthood, putting on the show that was expected of me. Faking it until I made it. Or at least, I hoped. 

That was the only hope I had, I hoped no one would notice just how depressed I was and howanxious I had become. I didn’t want to count how many times I couldn’t even look at my beautiful baby. I became robotic, I met his basic, physical needs but emotionally I could not be there for him. 

I didn’t want to talk to my family or friends through fear of being judged. My husband saw it, I can’t imagine it was a pleasant watch for him. 

I remember thinking that I was always going to feel like this forever, my body broken from child birth and my mind in tatters for reasons I could not identify. 

That was 1287 days ago and I am no longer that person, post-natal depression has not defined me. I’ve even had another baby since and I was well post birth. 

What I needed was for someone to come to my doctors surgery with me, to help me say the words. 

Most importantly I needed time, 3.5 years later and I feel like myself again. A place I never thought I would get to. 

If you can’t find hope within your darkness, allow someone to find hope for you, by talking about your feelings or writing them down. I found PANDAS email support service invaluable during my depression. A special shout out to Anne Marie who took time out with her own life to chat with me.

There is hope, its all around you. You just can’t see it yet. Give yourself time and don’t give up. 

#PNDAW18

You can read more of Sara’s writing on her blog below https://sarapops.wixsite.com/notanother_mumumblog

 

 

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